She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
