who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
