dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
