I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
