and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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