Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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