Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
