is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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