My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
it's like heaven, but drunker
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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