in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
