dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
