I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
