he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
