you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
