I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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