You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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