You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
