hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
People in love make me want to vomit
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
