I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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