I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
