some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
