you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
