She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
