I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
