If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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