please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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