You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
