i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
