Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
