i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I AM VODKA MAN
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize