Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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