i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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