meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think my vagina is haunted
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
