The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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