??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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