2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
