Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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