Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
