Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
