you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
