I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize