my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
