You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
