Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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