I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
