The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
