Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
