I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
