stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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