yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
