What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize