The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
