I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
