In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize