Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
