Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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