Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We are all done wearing pants today
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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