i wish there were pregnant emoticons
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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