i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She's the barista slut.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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