i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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