Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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