Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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