It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
