Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
